A Lack of Patience…. I Has It

I thought that having a diagnosis or course of treatment planned might give me some peace of mind, but now it’s just made me impatient to start feeling better and brought up a lot of questions:

  • How long am I going to have to take antibiotics for? 2 months? 6 months? Longer?
  • What will I feel like when my Chronic Lyme Disease is in “remission”? Will I still have the neck spasms and migraine pain? Will my depression go away?
  • If I do still get migraines, will normal prophylactic medicines now work for me?
  • How often will I “relapse”? How long will it last? How long will I need to take antibiotics each time?
  • Will I ever feel “normal” again? This underlying problem has existed for decades, but only got unbearable recently.

I’ve had a bad few days with neck/shoulder pain, so I’m kinda grumpy and my sinuses have been killing me from the wet weather. There are so many things I should do, that I want to do. But then I sometimes think, why bother? If I start feeling as bad as I did 2 months ago, I’m basically worthless in any capacity. I can’t think straight, I’m in constant pain and my depression goes to dark places.

But I have this amazing child and wonderful husband and I want to be the mother and wife they deserve. I feel like I’m letting them down because I just don’t have the energy or drive to accomplish things that I should. I’m too antisocial, I don’t “do” enough things with Bella, I certainly don’t maintain the house in the clean manner to which my husband would prefer.

I don’t know. I guess 2 days of rain has made me melancholy. I am trying to force myself to push the negative thoughts away and concentrate on the multitude of positives in my life, but that’s hard to do when you hurt all the time. I just want to know when I won’t hurt anymore.

Advertisements

About snarkysillysad
A former marketing professional with 15 years of experience in the technology industry. Through her blog she has shared her journey through pregnancy and motherhood as well as her struggle with migraines, depression, and chronic pain

2 Responses to A Lack of Patience…. I Has It

  1. Ali says:

    Hey Sweetie, you write, “But I have this amazing child and wonderful husband and I want to be the mother and wife they deserve. I feel like I’m letting them down because I just don’t have the energy or drive to accomplish things that I should. I’m too antisocial, I don’t “do” enough things with Bella, I certainly don’t maintain the house in the clean manner to which my husband would prefer.” And I just want to say that we all feel this way at times, whether or not it is true. We all think we could be doing more, or doing “it” better. But they love you for who you are, and you are doing just exactly enough. That is WHY you have such an amazing child. Be kind to yourself through this process of healing and recovery. I know you are frustrated and that it really sucks that this is happening to you but I hope in some small way my words make you feel better. xx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: