It’s Been A While, So Here’s An Update (if you’re interested)

Bella
She’s learned how to push every single button that I have. Every day is a battle of wills, and I honestly don’t know who’s winning. But her vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds, she’s happy and content (as long as she gets what she wants), and she’s started giving kisses on request (but man are they sloppy). She wakes up a little earlier than I’d like, but is content to play in her crib and sleeps through the night almost all the time. She actually escaped the crib the night before last, so we have to keep an eye on things to see if this becomes a trend. She is completely opposed to vegetables of any kind, but I’ve grown tired of trying to “sneak” them in, so dinnertime has become very difficult. The worst part lately is when I ask her not to do something or stop doing something and she looks me dead in the eye and continues to do it. This is especially bothersome if what she’s doing is annoying the dogs. They’re rescues, they’re unpredictable and she tries their patience daily.

Work/Blogging
My extended unemployment benefits from NJ finally ran out last month. It was a sudden thing and I was very surprised to receive the letter in the mail. I’ve been getting unemployment for a very long time (2.5 years) and I am grateful for that (hey, I’ve paid plenty into the system over the years). But now things are at a critical point. R’s salary alone is not enough for us to stay afloat. We’re short by about $1500/month. This isn’t a lot of money, but finding a job in marketing is difficult now and the whole daycare thing is overwhelming. If I even think of putting Bella in daycare, I start to get upset and anxious. I don’t want to miss any milestones. Even though being with her ALL the time is exhausting, I can’t imagine anything else. I am sending out resumes for marketing positions in the area and had an interview last month, but my heart really isn’t in it. My dream is to find a way of freelancing and/or blogging from home to supplement the income we need. But are there enough people out there willing to read about the daily exploits of my life? I just don’t know. Additionally, R would like to have another child and I told him I would be unwilling to do that if I was working outside the home. Plus, there’s my health issues….

Depression
The depression itself is tolerable, the anxiety is somewhat manageable, but the inability to concentrate is a continued problem. It’s very hard to get any writing accomplished when my mind is continually jumbled and I have a 2-year-old and 2 dogs vying for my attention. Doc T thinks I need to go to a neuropsychologist specialist because she’s out of ideas. Once again, she thinks this stems from the Chronic Lyme she thinks I have.

Migraines
I hate my head. I just want to remove it from my body. At this point I get migraines or headaches/neck aches of some kind EVERY SINGLE DAY. It’s incredibly demoralizing. The sumatriptan will usually kill the migraine, but I’m going through my stash quickly. My problem with acclimating to medication has also made it that I can no longer take Tylenol 3 with codeine or vicodin for pain. Oxycotin is the only thing that I know will work and that shit scares me. Doc T just upped my muscle relaxers so I’m taking double the dose I used to, but if today is any indication, that’s not going to work long-term. Again, Doc T thinks these problems treating my migraines stem from the Chronic Lyme. I was getting some massage for about a month or two, but I didn’t feel the 15-minute sessions were helping me and dragging Bella along was a hassle and made the experience extremely stressful.

Weight Loss
The upside of the medication roulette I’ve been playing is that I’ve lost 25 pounds. There was one weigh-in where I’d lost 28 pounds and I moved from obese to simply overweight, but I have since put a few pounds back on. I am unable to exercise with the demands of motherhood, chronic pain and the overwhelming heat of the summer, so I have taken to cutting my caloric intake. A lot. I know it’s bad, but other than my coffee in the morning, I usually don’t eat anything until dinnertime. I just don’t know what else to do and I’m so tired of the excess weight.

Mommy Groups
I’ve joined a bunch of things online so I can try to get together with other Moms in the area, but I have yet to attend anything. I rationalize that most of the gatherings take place during Bella’s nap time, but I’m also scared of meeting new people. Social anxiety is not fun and Bella is paying the price for it. She rarely gets to play with other kids and it breaks my heart that my neuroses are having this effect on her.

Fur Babies
The animals are all fine. Chloe managed to hurt herself a few months ago (probably jumping over the chicken wire fence around the garden) and we would up having to have surgery on her. It was weird having surgery on the dining room table, but I love that our vet comes to our house. He informed us when he was here that another feline patient had died and now Lou is at the top of the list for the animals he dreads working on the most. He turns into a Tasmanian devil when he’s getting examined. Otherwise the animals are all healthy, just desperately in need of being bathed. We can no longer afford to take Nemo to the groomers and Chloe didn’t like going anyway. Lou spends most of his time outside to avoid Chloe who still chases him even after 3 years. He comes in at night, but insists on being let outside early in the morning.

Random

  • Some guy just knocked on my door 20 minutes ago and asked if he could use the wheel lock key from my Jetta to get his car worked on. I gave it to him, but he just came back with it and it didn’t work. 😦
  • I took Bella to the beach with S about 6 weeks ago and she LOVED it. Hoping to go back with R so he can see how much fun she has.
  • I bought an Android tablet, but haven’t been able to use it as much as I would like because every time I try to do something on it, Bella is there like white on rice.
  • We haven’t used the pool as much as we would have liked this summer because it’s actually been too hot to be outside with a toddler.
  • R dropped my camera a few weeks ago, so I now have a new one with better resolution.
  • My folks lent us an A/C unit for our living room to take some of the pressure off the main wall unit that likes to freeze up frequently. Since we got it, the main unit hasn’t frozen up, which is very nice.
  • I went to NYC on Wednesday to see my cousin Kerri who is in town for BlogHer 2012. She had some good advice for me getting started and it was great to just hang out for a while.
  • I had a nice visit from my MIL and her sisters last Friday. It was great for them to see Bella. They brought along her cousin Regan who is only 9 months older than her, so it was fun to watch them play together.
  • Bella is REALLY loud. She doesn’t have much of an inside voice. And she’s hyped up like she’s been mainlining sugar all day when we actually don’t give her any (except what’s naturally occurring in fruits).
  • I went to see the Reading Phillies at the Trenton Thunder with S and D and it was AWESOME. I hope we get to do it again sometime soon.
  • K&K’s 4th of July bash was the standard excellent affair.
  • A friend in Canada found a toilet training book about “Queen Bella” and when I asked the publisher about getting a copy in the U.S., they sent it to me for FREE. Thank you Cold Water Press!!
  • Bella finally called me “Mommy” in the middle of May and finally called my Mom “Nanni” in July (she was already proficient with “Papa” and “Daddy”)
  • Bella is in the pool with Daddy and the Professor having a grand time at the moment. We will turn her into a fish I’m sure.
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About snarkysillysad
A former marketing professional with 15 years of experience in the technology industry. Through her blog she has shared her journey through pregnancy and motherhood as well as her struggle with migraines, depression, and chronic pain

9 Responses to It’s Been A While, So Here’s An Update (if you’re interested)

  1. Michele says:

    Hey, Michelle. I think you have amazing blogging skill. I also think you have a great sense of humor, you seem to be a wonderful wife and mommy, and you have amazing strength in so many areas. I can assure you that the stubbornness and ‘button-pushing’ is perfectly normal. Just keep doing what you’re doing. This, too, shall pass.

    The medical stuff sucks, big time. I’m sorry that you have to live with daily pain and suffering. I know, as the spouse of someone who has chronic pain, that it doesn’t make for an easy going life. I don’t know if you guys are aware, because Larry doesn’t freely share, but he is not a well person. He has chronic fatigue syndrome and fibro, which over the last 12 years have become increasingly intrusive and painful. He has arthritic and degenerative problems that affect his back, neck and shoulders. He has 2 ‘frozen’ shoulders, high blood pressure, heel spurs and gout. And I guess the worst is the PKD, which he was diagnosed with 3 years ago, and is incurable. Who knew, right? There is not a day that he does not have pain. Many times he is awoken in the middle of the night with a strange ache or pain that lasts a few days or weeks and then moves elsewhere. Although I am not the person with the chronic pain, I certainly am most involved with it. I’m sure Rod is for you, as well. As couples, we feel each others pain and suffer the consequences together. I always say that I wish I had a magic wand. Duh. Who wouldn’t?!?!!! I also constantly try and tell myself that things can always be worse. And this, I truly believe.

    Have you considered speaking with an attorney and filing for disability. It’s an initial investment and takes about a year of appeals, but with the proper medical documentation, you certainly can be approved. If you have health benefits through Rod, it’s even better. I have a friend that is currently going through this process. Just a thought, though I’m sure you’ve already toyed with the idea.

    Anyway, I know that we are not besties or anything, but I do value our friendship. If you ever want to talk, discuss, scream and shout, generally bitch or vent about ANYTHING, please don’t hesitate to get in touch. I am a good listener, and if asked, can sometimes evaluate and give somewhat decent advice, I think.

    Keep on keeping on, Michelle. You are a fabulous woman with a great family and wonderful friends (some of whom I’ve met and they are AWESOME!) that lend to a super support system. Bella will keep you smiling, even through the toughest of times. I’m sure that no matter what you decide to do, you will succeed. Take care. xoxoxo

    PS. Keep posting those ‘for adults only’ toons. Larry and I love reading them! 🙂

    • I’m so terribly sorry that Larry is in so much pain and that you have to be stuck trying to help in a helpless situation. If my next set of blood tests confirms the chronic Lyme, I *may* look into disability since I simply cannot function in a 9-5 job with the way I feel now. We shall see. And don’t worry, I’ll keep posting the naughty stuff on FB.

  2. Lisa A. says:

    I’m interested! I love that you’re blogging again. 🙂

    It sounds like it sucks having so many challenges on your psychological (and physical) plate right now. I often wonder if, I was a parent, would I be able to handle a kid who doesn’t always behave the way I’d want her/him to? I don’t know sometimes. It sounds so exhausting. And yeah, yeah, everyone says it’s rewarding and all that, but still. Must make you want to lock her in a sound-proof closet once in awhile! 😉

    Do you ever go on mediabistro.com? I sporadically check that site out for possible freelance positions. They have a lot of marketing-related jobs, usually. Don’t worry, you will find something that will work. And wanting to stay home with Bella isn’t a bad thing. It’s financially sound, in this day and age. I know some people who wind up spending more money in daycare costs than one spouse can earn in one month. Yeesh.

    Keep feeling better, and stay positive! It’s going to get a lot better soon. After all, it won’t be summer forever… Bella won’t be this age forever… you won’t be out of work forever… etc. And I’ll do some research; look into getting you a replacement head, too. Heh. 🙂

    • Christina says:

      I love Lisa’s post! So positive! I just wrote you a massive email. And by the way….I think more people are interested in what you have to say than you realize. BTW – I’m tagging my site for the Google monster. See – you’re helping me out already!!!! Hugs!!

      • Yes, I saw your massive email and I still really want to help you out. Part my my problem is that I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed in the quality of work I provide. Being creative on-demand can be very difficult, though it is much easier when you actually care about the product and company.

        • Christina says:

          I appreciate that you want to help out. Don’t be afraid of disappointing me. We can work out a schedule and topics that work for you. I’m very flexible, especially when I’m not the one who is doing the writing!

    • Thanks L, I know you know how the migraine thing and trying to be creative thing don’t work well together. My dream would be to have my own project that I can work on when I feel up for it, rather than other’s deadlines through freelance, but we’ll see what the universe has in store for me.

  3. Keep posting! It’s worth it for you, and I love to hear what you have to say. I had Lyme disease as a teenager, and in short, it sucks. Last year, I was having similar neck and head pain with at least one migraine a week. Prozac is what helped long term because it helped me cope with my depression better so I wasn’t carrying my stress in my neck and shoulders anymore. Shit, it’s so hard with a toddler that tries you sanity constantly, on top of everything else. You got this. Life won’t be like this forever. 🙂

    • I’ve done the prozac route already for both depression and migraines. Right now I’m taking wellbutrin and zoloft for depression and a muscle relaxer for migraine prevention. None of them are working optimally. I have blood tests scheduled for a week and a half, we’ll see what they show. Thanks for your support girlie.

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