Time for Change

I’m tired of feeling the way I feel. And it’s not really the migraines and depression, it’s the feeling that time is slipping by me. Time wasted on TV and the internet. Time that could be much better spent. I sit here waiting for my life to change, when no one can do that but me.

I’ve been sad lately because I feel left behind. K&K have such an active social life and are always going to and hosting parties. They have all these great friends out where they live and I feel forgotten. S has pulled a complete 180 on her life and is involved in so many things that I have nothing to do with. She has a full life, I feel like there’s no room in it for me… would I rather she missed training for her 1/2 marathon or running lines to spend time with someone who doesn’t feel they have much to add to a conversation anymore. Of course Doc T is busy with her new practice, planning her new home and all the family whatnots now that she is local to everyone. The Professor is busy with classes and attending neat concerts, readings and such. When he does have free time, he tends to hang out with K&K, and who can blame him. What does he do when he’s here? Has a meal and watches TV… how fucking exciting. How can I blame any of them for enjoying their lives, I’m envious that I seem to have forgotten how to.

And then there’s Bella. Every day that passes, I feel more and more like a failure as a mother. And it’s not just because she still doesn’t talk at almost 17 months. She never socializes with other kids. Why is that? Because I am so terrified of meeting new people and looking like a failure in their eyes (even though I KNOW people don’t actually judge others that way). So what does Bella do? She plays with her blocks and chases the dogs and colors and reads and that’s about it. Every once in a while she does something exciting like visit my folks. 😦 Part of it is that the weather isn’t really warm enough for visits to the park, but it’s mostly my own fears preventing her from growing and expanding her horizons. And all the interaction that I had hoped she’d have with her cousins has vanished before my eyes.

I can’t do this anymore. I leave the house to go to the grocery store, Walmart and my parent’s house. That’s it. That is the extent of my socialization. I love my parents and they are wonderfully supportive in every way possible, but when they called this morning, I told them that things have to change. I need to start doing more for myself, Bella and my family. As much as I enjoy visiting them, it isn’t helping me be healthier, make money or help Bella to socialize with other kids. Per usual, they completely understood and totally supported me, even though it means they might see Bella a little less and will definitely see me less.

My To-Do List:

  • Exercise on a regular basis. I know the migraines make it tough sometimes, but I also know that if I’m in better shape, there’s a great chance the migraines will lessen. I have a treadmill in the basement, an mp3 player and a daughter that takes a 2-3 hour nap every day. I have no excuse other than laziness.
  • Get Bella out to be around other kids. I need to start having the Lower Bucks Moms emails start coming again and stop poo-pooing every opportunity just because I’m afraid. And I need to host something if none of the other meet-ups work for me. The dogs are a concern, but maybe I can do it at my folk’s house. I need to stop making excuses. I NEED to meet other mothers around here.
  • Get stuff up on eBay and make some money. We have a bunch of stuff gathering dust downstairs that I just need to weigh and photograph and then could start bringing some money in. R has been nagging me about this for a while, and I’ve been procrastinating.
  • Do something with the dogs. I know I have fears about bringing Nemo to the dog park because he can get nippy and I don’t want to wind up with a vet bill from an incident, but I need to do something. Take them when I know there won’t be other dogs around, but at least they have some more room to run in. Or take them for a walk around the lake. I owe it to them, I’ve been a very bad doggie Mommy.
  • Keep up with the housework. Yes, I hate it, but if R is working 10 hour days, he shouldn’t have to worry about laundry or picking up clutter when he’s home. Our house isn’t that big, I really have no excuse for it being dusty or furry at all.
  • Be more affectionate with R. Our recliners are comfy, but they separate us physically and emotionally. We don’t snuggle on the couch… Bella could never sit between us and fall asleep. We just sit 5 feet away, wasting time on the internet and being a 1000 miles away from each other. I miss my husband, we’re in danger of becoming housemates and I already went through that once. But that was when I was with someone I didn’t love anymore and do love R, there is no doubt about that.
  • Be more proactive. I can’t wait for people to invite me for things. I need to get past my fear of “forcing” myself on people. I need to come up with a time, place and fun thing to do and suggest it to the people I miss so much.
  • Use my punching bag. When I have stress and anxiety, I need to get it out instead of letting it fester and over-analyzing things and making myself feel horrible.
  • Write more! Whether it’s a blog entry or a poem or a short story, I need to start writing again. I used to get such joy from it.

Basically, I need to change pretty much everything about the way I have been living my life. I actually do better with drastic change than small changes overtime. I hope that anyone who cares about me that reads this will help me stick to my goals.

Gotta run, my daughter needs my attention and I need to get changed to be ready to get back on the treadmill for the first time in ages. Wish me luck.


About snarkysillysad
A former marketing professional with 15 years of experience in the technology industry. Through her blog she has shared her journey through pregnancy and motherhood as well as her struggle with migraines, depression, and chronic pain

6 Responses to Time for Change

  1. Christina says:

    The first step is acknowledging what needs to change. You’ve not only done that, but created a plan of action. Good for you! I’ll definitely be rooting for you. I know you want Bella to hang out with some local kids, but Ben & I would love to visit. I’ve been lazy about arranging that. I hope you have a good workout today!

    • I think we’re both guilty of making excuses to not get together. Being Moms is a bit more exhausting than we anticipated, our kids are a little more challenging than most with their continuing sleep issues and you have a business to run on top of everything else. Yes, it is a bit of a drive to see each other, but I really do enjoy our time together and now that both kids are more mobile, I think they’ll have more fun together.

      • Christina says:

        I agree. I’ve been calling Christine more for that reason. She practically lives around the block for Pete’s sake and I have been making excuses for not calling. I also contact the Manalapan Moms group to join. It’s time I force myself to be more social. Ben keeps handing me his sneakers & hat and pointing to the front door. Poor kid is a social butterfly like Tony, but Mommy is comfortable just chillin’ at home.

        I hope Bella likes to run bc Ben loves to be chased. I’m sure they’re going to have a blast together!

  2. I love you
    I miss you
    I will see you Saturday.
    We will talk.
    We will hug

  3. icanhasdiary says:

    Good for you, deciding to be proactive and make positive changes! That’s very cool stuff. If you can, make a abbreviated list of these things, and hang it somewhere you will see it everyday. Like, on the fridge or bathroom mirror. It really works to keep you motivated if you have visual reminders. It’s a small thing, but definitely worth trying. You have QUITE the list there, so anything you can do to not overwhelm yourself and keep on track will be good. You can do eeeeeet! 🙂

    RE: Bella, I don’t know if they have this or not, but are there any Meetup groups or even support groups for Moms who aren’t particularly social? I’d have to think that would be a very common issue for Moms. Not everyone is naturally outgoing, and add to that the worries and fears of how a kid is growing up, it seems like it’s got to be hard for a lot of women. Of course, what do I know, I’m not a Mom to a human! But still– maybe there is a way to hook up with similar people.

    With the dogs, I say get them out for a walk around the block a few times a week! It doesn’t need to be a long walk. 15 minutes does wonders. Plus it will give you a chance to encounter other dogs and re-acclimate your dogs to being social. And give that dog park a try! “Nippy” isn’t the same as “vicious” and lots of dogs gnaw on each other at the park. If you’re projecting calm energy, that will help, too. (Look at me, channeling Cesar!) Not doing stuff because you are afraid of the “what ifs” isn’t a good life strategy. You know this, you just haven’t practiced it in awhile. You’ve got it in you to go out and do extraordinary things and be a vibrant, healthy woman, wife and mother. Don’t settle for mediocrity!!! HUGS!! XOXOX

    • Unfortunately, the Nemo thing is a bit more serious. There was a particular dog at the dog park we attended (I swear the other dog provoked Nemo first)… but anyway… every time he sees this dog, he plays rough with him and this dog is an Australian Cattle Dog with thin skin. So the owner, DID go to a vet because of Nemo. The problem is, dogs like to pick on Nemo for some reason and his thick coat protects him, but if he nips back, the other dogs bleed. It’s frustrating.

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