My old nemesis… we meet again

Things are going really well for me right now. I have a beautiful daughter, a loving husband and amazing parents. R has a good job, my folks are relatively healthy, our friends are doing well and we have a nice home.

But something doesn’t feel right.

I attributed it to New Mommy Exhaustion. Bella still doesn’t sleep through the night and has proven to be a somewhat challenging child.

I attributed it to adjusting to being a Stay-at-home-Mom. I’ve always worked, even in college  and this is a new experience for me.

I attributed it to my post-baby body and not feeling like I had control over my physical appearance.

But I knew. Somehow I knew and it just took me a while to admit it.

My chronic depression has returned.

It really shouldn’t surprise me. I was being treated by T for it before I got pregnant with Bella. But when I lost my job and was pregnant (losing 2 of my major stressors; trying to conceive and an unhappy job), I stopped taking medicine and tried to focus on the positive. And I have been doing that, forcing myself to focus on my blessings. Trying not to dwell on negative things in my life. But something didn’t feel quite right.

Strangely enough, it took noticing the same problem in someone else to make me finally see the light. I fellow fighter of depression, who I could tell was having problems, even though she was fighting it so hard. As I looked closer at her, it made me look at myself and I immediately recognized the signs….

  • Pulling back from people, not reaching out, keeping to myself.
  • Finding excuses to not do things I both wanted to do and knew that I should do
  • Over-analyzing things in my head, spending too much time in my own thoughts
  • And finally, anxiety rearing its ugly head

I hate the day of realization with depression. The sadness at realizing that despite my best efforts, I can’t deal with it on my own. The overwhelming wave of sadness that envelops me when I let down the wall that had been holding everything back. The anger that I can’t simply “be happy”. The fear that people will think less of me for my “weakness”. The feeling of exhaustion, like I’ve been running a marathon, when all I’ve been doing is fighting against myself.

Yet every time I dare to share with someone new that I am struggling with this illness, I am surprised by how many times I’m met with “I’ve struggled with it too”. That is why I will not be placing a password on this post. I want other people to know that they do not need to struggle in silence.

I will be seeing T on Saturday and we will decide which medications I should begin taking and when. I am planning to breast feed Bella for 4 more weeks (until she is 1 and can safely drink cow’s milk). So there may be a slight delay, but at least I am on the right path. I wish I didn’t feel so ashamed of my depression, that knowing it isn’t a sign of weakness would help me not feel weak anyway. That is something I still need to work on. At least I am taking the first steps to feeling better. I just wish I didn’t feel so horrible right now.

About snarkysillysad
A former marketing professional with 15 years of experience in the technology industry. Through her blog she has shared her journey through pregnancy and motherhood as well as her struggle with migraines, depression, and chronic pain

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