From Bad to Worse

I haven’t been having the easiest time at work lately. Due to the migraines and depression it has been difficult to be my normal creative self. I could float by most of the time, but the website project has put into sharp focus both my shortcomings at the moment and the bi-polar nature of my boss. Just days after saying I was thinking like a marketer, he sent me an email on Sunday that crushed me. Some of the relevant remarks:

“….It’s Marketing 101 and should be what you strive for…..I’m still shaking my head over your “I don’t know what you want” comment 6 months into an incomplete project….Like a one trick pony, but it’s not even right…”

I decided to start drinking right after I got this email. It totally crushed my confidence which was pretty non-existent anyway. It stressed me out so bad that I had to take off work on Monday. I told him I had food poisoning, but the truth was my ulcer was acting up and I was dry heaving and in the bathroom starting at 4am on Monday (and no it wasn’t from the alcohol, I didn’t drink as much as I planned).

I am just one big bundle or nerves. I can’t relax and clam down. I keep holding my breath to relive the brain deprived of oxygen thing you get from smoking. I took my last klonopin last night, but it didn’t help and I woke up at 4:30am again, a bundle of nerves.

I have concluded that the depression meds are not causing the increase in anxiety, but they’re unfortunately not doing anything to lessen the anxiety either. I feel like a basket case. I know it’s not good that I’m torn between being paranoid I’ll lose my job and not caring anymore if I do because I can’t take this stress. I NEED this job, R is still our of work and I can’t afford to lose it.

I need to do some creative writing right now, but I can’t seem to focus. My mid is all over the place. I planned to sleep all day yesterday, but I couldn’t find the ability to calm my mind to let myself sleep for more than 20 minutes so I just laid on the bed with Chloe. Of course, by the time 9:30pm rolled around, I felt exhausted from being up so early and lying in bed without sleeping for so long. I feel asleep easily last night, but woke up early again, klonopin be damned.

After I saw the email from my boss, I also had to go meet my folks at a house they put a bid in on. Actually, their bid was accepted and they’re under contract but they’re having second thoughts (at least Dad is). He’s making some concessions on things (like a garage and a workshop). They can be added later, but it makes it harder for him to leave the house he’s been in for 32 years. R is going with him to the walk through with the inspector today. We’ll see. It’s not a bad house and it’s only 10 minutes from us… we’ll see what happens. I haven’t told them about any of the problems at work, having them worry isn’t going to help anything. I hope R doesn’t spill the beans to my Dad today.

I don’t know, I was hoping that writing all my concerns out would help relieve some of the burden in my mind, but it doesn’t really feel like it’s helped at all. I’m still anxious, still can’t concentrate and now my neck is starting it’s pre-migraine pain. I guess if nothing else, I can be grateful that I get to go to the Jefferson Headache Center tomorrow morning and see about getting on some new preventative meds.

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About snarkysillysad
A former marketing professional with 15 years of experience in the technology industry. Through her blog she has shared her journey through pregnancy and motherhood as well as her struggle with migraines, depression, and chronic pain

One Response to From Bad to Worse

  1. icanhasdiary says:

    Oh, no. Your boss sounds like a total asshole. It’s not you… of course you’re getting anxiety, dealing with someone who can’t make up his mind and then says nasty things to you in an e-mail like that. Did he call you a one-trick pony?! Man…that makes me mad just reading it!!! After all, you’re right– you DON’T know what he wants because he keeps changing what that is. UGH. Just don’t blame yourself, and try to remember that he’s the one causing the problems, not you or your depression. It sucks, but I know what you mean about needing the job for now. Just say to yourself, “it’s not me, it’s HIM” and keep doing what you have to do. If you can, try not to let it get the best of you. Because you are so much better than that. You are stronger than he could ever give you credit for! Think about it: he is depending on you to say what he wants. He can’t even say it himself!! You have the power here because you have the TALENT to write, something I doubt he could ever do if he tried. Don’t you hate, little, ignorant bullies who love to make other people feel bad out of a misguided attempt to deal with their own shortcomings? ARGH!

    Really, though… just do what you have to in order to take care of your health and your sanity. Breathe, and have faith that the clinic can help your headache issues tomorrow. I’m sure something will improve soon, it has to. You will get through this and be even more kick-ass as a result! 🙂

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