Alone Time

I’m not very good at being by myself. I’ve never lived by myself in my entire life. I went from living with my parents, to my college roommate, to my college sweetheart turned ex-husband, to back with my folks when I moved back East to living with my now husband. I thought about living alone for a while, just so I could see how it was, but I decided it wasn’t really the thing for me. When I’m left alone with my own thoughts and no one else’s voice, my mind tends to go down dark passages.

So, while I knew I was going to be flying solo last night and most of today, I expected R was going to be back from his grandmother’s funeral around dinner time and I would at least have the evening to spend with him. I planned my day accordingly. A long trip to the dog park, a stop at Walmart, watching some silly movies and waiting to hear when I should see about getting some dinner ready. I told R to call when he was leaving so I’d have 3 hours notice. When he hadn’t called by 3pm, I figured it would be a late dinner, when 4pm past by, I was worried he might stop on the way for a bite to eat, when 5pm hit, I started hoping he’d just forgotten to call. But nope, he called around 5:30pm and he was just leaving Lewistown for Philly. After dropping his brother off, he probably won’t be here until 9pm.

I’m bummed. For some reason, knowing he won’t be home for a long time just sent me immediately into a horrible, lonely mood and I’m not sure why. I think it’s because I’ve been so unhappy at work and look forward to my weekends so much that knowing I’m spending most of this weekend without him makes my heart very heavy. It’s difficult to distract myself when the DVR is full of shows we watch together and there’s nothing interesting on-demand. I can’t concentrate enough to read a book and it’s too dark to play outside with the dogs.

It’s strange how fast I went from just being blah, to being significantly more than that. Being alone just brings out all the feelings I have about not being in control of my life. Unable to muster the energy to find a job I might be happy at, watching R struggle with this incredibly long unemployment, wondering if my parents should bother moving down here to be closer to a future grandchild when part of me worries I’ll never conceive… basically, that things will stay the way they are now forever.

I can’t feel grateful for my job or my health or a supportive spouse, I just see all the negatives. I hate feeling this way, it’s all wasted energy. But I don’t know how to not be like this, I’ve been this way my entire life. And I’m exhausted from the constant migraines and rounds of medications, just so I can try to maintain a normal life. And frustrated that I need to get in shape, and I want to, and every time I try to start exercising again, I get sick or get another batch of migraines and get to sit here staring at a reflection that is so far from the person I want to be. And now I feel guilty because I finally shared this blog address with some more friends and they’re going to read it and see that I’m this miserable sad sack. I wouldn’t blame anyone for not wanting to read this thing. I didn’t intend for this blog to be so depressing, but it sure hasn’t been much fun lately.

I don’t know. I guess I’ll try to find some way to amuse myself this evening, what other choice do I have.

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About snarkysillysad
A former marketing professional with 15 years of experience in the technology industry. Through her blog she has shared her journey through pregnancy and motherhood as well as her struggle with migraines, depression, and chronic pain

3 Responses to Alone Time

  1. Ken A. says:

    Well we love you no matter what.

  2. icanhasdiary says:

    I wasn’t online much this weekend, so I only got to this now… I’m sorry to hear you were feeling so down. Worrying about things staying the same forever is hard NOT to do, isn’t it? But you know that things will never stay the same, they’ll always change eventually– for the WORSE! LOL, I’m just kidding. A little depressive humor for ya, there.

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